Cooperative Co-Parenting – Insure your Children Experience the Joy of the Holidays!

Every family celebrates the holidays differently, enjoying unique family traditions that establish some of the strongest and most cherished memories our children have. This is why the holidays can be a tough time for parents and children following separation and divorce. The idea of creating new holiday traditions can seem overwhelming, with each parent wanting to hold tightly to long-held family traditions that must be altered in order to share the holidays with the other parent.

As parents who are committed to cooperative co-parenting, you know that the holidays can be either a time of great joy or great sadness for your children. This year, commit to the idea that the holidays are for your children. Help them to adjust and accept that, although the holidays may look different from before the separation, they are still a time of joy and celebration, a time to create new holiday traditions and wonderful holiday memories. The following are some suggestions from the Children’s Law Center LLLC on how to successfully and cooperatively co-parent this holiday season:

1.Be Positive: Your children are going to take their lead from you. Remember when they were little and fell down? They would slowly get up, not sure how to feel. You were the first person they looked to as they were wiping the dirt off their knees. If you laughed, they’d laugh. If you said, “oh, no” and looked worried, they’d cry.

Your child’s attitudes about the holidays work the same way. Be positive! Some children worry about the parent who will be “alone” during the holidays. Tell them how happy you are that they’ll be having fun with their Mom or their Dad. Insure them that, although you will miss them, you have made other plans and will be just fine. This lets them know that you support their holiday plans and frees them from feeling guilty for having fun during their holiday celebrations. Help them shop for presents for their other parent and send along a card, signed by you, wishing their other parent Happy Holidays! Avoid long, tearful goodbyes and avoid statements about how much you’ll miss them or how lonely you’ll be. Most importantly, if you are sad and need to talk, confide in another adult, not your children.

2.Create New Traditions/Celebrate Twice: With the right parental attitude, children can feel lucky that they will be having two holiday celebrations. It doesn’t matter that one of the celebrations may have to take place on a different date if the celebration is done with joy and positive feelings and not with resignation or resentment. Insure that your children understand that Holidays are not about a specific time and date on the calendar, but are about celebrating family, friends, beliefs and traditions.

K.C. is a Mom who knows how important it is to be positive about sharing the holidays with her daughter’s Father. K.C. loves Thanksgiving, but last year, her daughter was scheduled to be with Dad and he had plans to go off island for the long weekend. Initially, K.C. was frustrated; Thanksgiving had always been “her” special holiday! She always cooked and organized a huge Thanksgiving dinner while he watched football! K.C. could have been upset and argumentative, focusing on the “loss” of her traditional Thanksgiving dinner. But instead, she re-adjusted her thinking and decided to celebrate Thanksgiving a week early. She cooked a huge dinner and invited lots of friends. She even invited her children’s Father!

One great way to help your children adjust is to focus on creating new holiday traditions. For instance, ask them if they have any ideas about how the family could “give back,” whether it is volunteering at a shelter for the day, donating canned goods, or visiting a sick or aging relative. For the family meal, ask them to help you plan the menu, and have them make a special dish that will be cooked every year.

Holidays create childhood memories. Insure your children’s memories are wonderful ones. If done right, their holiday recollections will not be of fights over pick up and drop off times, but instead, they will remember two amazing Holiday celebrations.

3.Plan Ahead: Make sure that the Holiday schedule is established in your co-parenting plan and that each year the details are worked out far in advance. This will minimize opportunities for last minute conflict or misunderstandings. Let your children know the holiday schedule in advance and ask them if they have any questions. Allow them to express their feelings about the schedule and, as they get older (late teens) give them the opportunity to provide input into the holiday planning.

The basic structure of your holiday plans should be established in your co-parenting plan; however, the greater your ability to cooperate with each other, the more flexible you can become with the Holiday schedule, insuring that everyone’s needs are met. Talk to each other far ahead of time about the days and times that are most important to each of you. Make sure to find out about family events or parties that you’d each like the children to attend. For instance, our client R.C.’s employers throw a huge Holiday party every year. Family members are encouraged to attend and the party is a long-standing tradition that R.C. and her children look forward to all year. The children’s father understands the importance of the party and always agrees to allow the children to go with R.C., regardless of who the children are scheduled to be with. R.C. knows that Father has a family party every Christmas Eve and R.C. is equally understanding about the importance of the children attending with Father.

4.Make Reasonable Plans: Holidays such as Christmas, which is celebrated over the course of both Eve and Day, create opportunities for cooperation. Make sure that you keep holiday schedules simple. If parents live near each other, split Christmas by having the children stay with one parent on Christmas Eve and with the other parent most of Christmas Day. Be aware of your children’s needs when determining “transition” times. It is understandable that you’d want the children to come over as early as possible on Christmas morning if you didn’t have the children on Christmas Eve; but remember, they are going to want to have time to wake up, open presents and play with their new toys for a little while before having to get into a car for the drive to your home. Agree that the transition happen at a reasonable time, for instance at 10 or 11 in the morning.

For parents that live a long car or plane ride away, try not to schedule the transition for Christmas Day, let them enjoy the full day with one parent and schedule the travel time for the next day. Instead of remembering Christmas Day as a day of tiresome travel your children will be excited to spend another “Christmas morning” with their other parent.

5.Allow Your Children to Express Their Feelings: The Holidays can be an emotional time for your children. If your child is with you during a specific holiday, it is likely that they will miss and maybe even worry about their other parent. Let them know that it is perfectly natural and okay with you for them to feel this way, that you understand and empathize. Suggest that they call their other parent to wish them a happy holiday. If you are the parent receiving such a call, remember to assure your child that you are perfectly fine; that you miss them too, but that you are happy that they are having a wonderful time with their other parent. Assure them that you have alternate holiday plans and that you aren’t sitting home alone and lonely.

6.Work (Co-Parent) Together: The holidays are a great time for divorced and separated parents to show their children the true spirit of the holidays by working together in a cooperative and “child-centered” manner. Some parents coordinate their gift giving. D.L. and K.D both knew that their son wanted a gaming system. Neither parent could afford both the system and the games, so they agreed that D.L. would purchase the system, which would stay at her home, and K.D. would buy the games. Coordinated gift giving is a way to avoid the trap of competing for the award of, “best present giver,” and instead allows you to work together to maximize your resources and your child’s enjoyment. It is another way of showing your children that although you are no longer together you are still a team.

Also, try coordinating Holiday events. If the other parent has purchased tickets to see The Nutcracker during his or her time, don’t buy tickets to the same show for the week before, instead, show your enthusiasm by shopping for a special dress to wear to the ballet. Plan family parties in accordance with the Co-parenting schedule so that your children can participate and enjoy the family time (you can even invite the other parent!). If a family holiday party is scheduled during a time when your children are with the other parent, go ahead and ask about trading a day with the other parent and be willing to trade time for their family events when asked. If the trade doesn’t work out, don’t tell your children all about the friends and family that will be there or the fun they will be missing. Just tell them that there will be another party next year!

7.Be Nice. The greatest holiday gift you can give your children is the knowledge that their parents respect and care for each other and are committed to the creation of wonderful holiday traditions and memories.

The Children’s law Center, LLLC, a law firm incorporated by attorneys and child advocates Annabel Murray and Stacy Fukuhara-Barclay, focuses on the legal and best interests needs of Hawaii’s children. The CLC works exclusively on cases that involve children, including custody, paternity, abuse, guardianship, adoption, or conservatorship. Our Menu of Services offers just a brief description of our services. For more information or a free consultation please call us at (808)528-5437 or email us at stacy@childlawhawaii.com. You can also download our brochure here: Children’s Law Center Brochure (right-click as).

By Annabel Murray and Stacy Fukuhara-Barclay

Published in the the October, 2009 issue of Hawaii Parent Magazine

We have all heard about divorcing or separating couples locked in constant litigation over the custody of their children. Money is no object in their quest for victory, vindication, and revenge. They are willing “to take it to the Supreme Court if necessary,” and tearfully sob to anyone who will listen, “I’m doing this for my children.”

Yet all their children want is for their parents to stop fighting

We believe that most divorcing and separating couples want to act in their children’s best interest. Sadly, they often find themselves navigating through the confusing adversarial legal process. Their fear is that one “wrong move” could cost them their relationship with their child. To protect themselves, they hire the “best” attorney they can afford, “ask for the moon,” and support their request for full custody with strongly worded descriptions about the other parent’s mental health, parenting abilities, and morals. The other parent does the same, and very quickly, the anger and conflict escalate.

After working in the Family Court for a combined total of more than twenty-five years as child advocates, custody evaluators, mediators and litigators, we’ve seen all too often the devastating and long-lasting effects that litigation has on children. We’ve wondered, “How would the children have fared if their parents had tried alternatives to litigation… alternatives that yield much more positive outcomes for children and have the added benefit of being considerably less expensive and time-consuming?”

In 2006, after many years of “talking about it,” we opened the Children’s Law Center, LLLC, a law firm dedicated to child-centered and sustainable custody solutions. We work with divorcing and separating parents to provide on-going support from a “best interest of the child” perspective. We work with both parents, not only to create a child centered co-parenting plan, but to facilitate the implementation of the plan. Most importantly, we provide on-going support to insure the plan is working for each member of their newly structured family by helping to fine-tune the co-parenting arrangements over time.

Divorce is the Loss of a Dream

It’s easy to understand why divorce litigation is so emotionally, financially, and psychologically draining. Divorce is perceived as the loss of a dream, the dream of “forever.” The feelings associated with the loss: anger, confusion, sadness and fear, are felt by every member of the family. Not only by the husband and wife whose lives have taken a hard turn off of the path that seemed so stable and clear on the day they married, but by the children, who have lived with the easy expectation that they would be raised by both parents, live in one home, and be forever part of a culturally well-defined family.

If the loss of the expectation of “forever” is hard for parents, it can be impossible for children in the midst of their parents’ divorce to accept and understand that loss. Our goal is to help parents help their children through the critical initial stages of divorce. We help parents establish a co-parenting plan that allows their children to adjust by replacing the loss with a new understanding and acceptance of their family’s future. We support parents in understanding that through their positive words, decisions and behaviors, they will help their children accept that their family, though different, is still Family.

It is Hard to Focus on the Kids When Losing a Dream

Very few people aspire to constant conflict during their divorce. Yet even the most well meaning, mentally strong divorcing parents will find themselves hurting and lost, mired in the conflict of their divorce with no understanding of what happened, much less how to make good long-term decisions for their children. The legal issues surrounding divorce can be overwhelming, not leaving time or opportunity for grieving the past or focusing on the future.

In addition to the emotional turmoil and adjusting to a new living situation, newly separated parents are thrown into a system that demands they understand the difference between legal and physical custody. They are expected to have opinions about co-parenting schedules that work for children of different ages, genders and developmental needs. The options are confusing. What is the best schedule: A four/three, week on/week off, primary residence with Mom, with Dad? What about parents who want to relocate to another state, how does that work? What about “Nesting”, allowing the children to remain in the family home while the parents move in and out? Some ideas sound good, but do they really make sense? How will the children adjust?

Parents wonder how decisions will be made regarding issues like education, religion and sports. They could not agree during their marriage, how can they be expected to agree after their divorce? Parents are unsure about the children’s adjustment: do the children need counseling or are they coping? What is the best thing to do? Is it normal for a ten year old to be having bad dreams? Is it normal that the eldest is losing interest in school? The questions outweigh and outpace the answers and often, it is those unanswered questions that become the focus of blame and litigation.

You Can Transform Your Loss into a New Beginning

We believe that hurting parents can move through their feelings of loss and anger with the right support in place, by consistently focusing on mediation, cooperation, integrity, reason, trust and ultimately, healing. Each of these words infers that a decision has been made; the decision to heal and move forward, the decision to not fight, the decision to respond to the painful event of divorce in a peaceful and child-centered way that focuses on the future. Ultimately, it’s about parents moving themselves and their children forward to a different but equally hopeful future.

Choose Sustainable Child-Centered Solutions

During the difficult time of separation and divorce, it is important that parents focus on sustainable solutions that take into consideration the current and the evolving needs of each family member. For instance, our clients G and J had three children, ages 8, 9 and 15. The children’s schools were within walking distance of Dad’s home, and the 15 year-old was involved in many extra-curricular activities, some that went late into the evening. Mom lived about 15 miles from the children’s schools, and while the parties wanted to work out a joint custody arrangement, it wasn’t possible for Mom to leave the younger children home while he drove back to the high school in the evenings to pick up her eldest daughter. Mom wasn’t sure if all of the extra-curricular activities were necessary, and was frustrated at how they were impacting her time with all three children.

We met with the 15 year-old who said she felt caught in the middle. She wanted to spend time her Mom, but her school and her extra-curricular activities were very important to her. After discussing their daughter’s perceptions with both parents, they came to understand that her routine gave her confidence and stability. We mediated a joint custody arrangement that allowed their daughter spend most week-nights at Dad’s home and more of her weekend and vacation time with her Mom, insuring also that she would spend lots of time with her younger siblings.

The Children’s Law Center works with families in transition anywhere from one month to one year. We’ll often make referrals to positive, forward-thinking counselors and educators who help family members through the emotional adjustments of their divorce. We are accessible and available to the families we work with, understanding that sometimes the most pressing questions need to be answered as soon as possible, and are not able to wait for an hour-long appointment at some future date. We work with the understanding that families need legal support and structure during this transition, and that even the best co-parenting plans may need adjusting over time.

No matter how well meaning, the Family Court process was not established to consider and help parents to address the evolving needs of growing children, but to look at the family, and the children, in the particular moment of litigation, at only a “snap-shot” of the life of a family. Consider the “snap-shots” of the lives of children; the changing faces as they grow, their personalities and interests reflected in photos that evidence the radical changes that take place after only a few months of experience and growth. The two-year old girl wearing a pink tutu and holding a Barbie, at five-years old holds a soccer ball and refuses to wear a dress! The nine year-old boy who insists he’ll be a firefighter when he grows up, pictured at twelve in swim fins, proudly holding his mask and snorkel, absolutely sure he’ll be an oceanographer.

No One Wins in Litigation

Litigation ends with a final decision from a Judge, and rightfully so. This final decision is rarely satisfactory to either parent, and if a parent feels as though they’ve won, they will quickly realize that co-parenting to any degree with the “losing” parent will turn that winning feeling into an empty victory. “Losers” have a tendency to want a re-match, and “winners” have a desire to hold on to their advantage. The consequence is that Family Court is inundated with “post-decree” litigation, with each parent providing the court with one new family “snap-shot” after another, until their children either turns 18 or the money to pay for attorneys is gone.

Litigation is about gaining a strategic advantage, positioning oneself to take advantage of the mistakes made by their opponent, and it is expensive and often, very, very ugly. The sad victory of vanquishing a “hated” enemy who was once a beloved spouse has sustained very few parents through the years of animosity they face after litigation.

One Day, Your Kids Will Thank You

Divorce or separation of parents who thought they would be together forever is the loss of an expectation, a dream, the dream of “forever.” It doesn’t have to be seen this way. Divorce is sometimes unavoidable, but the story of the divorce does not have to be one of tragedy and despair, the story of a “broken” home. Instead, it can be a story of transition, of changing course, of readjustment and ultimately, of happy children who look back on the time of the divorce and say to their parents, “thank you for working so hard to make my life happy and stable.” Therein lies the dream of forever.

The Children’s law Center, LLLC, a law firm incorporated by attorneys and child advocates Annabel Murray and Stacy Fukuhara-Barclay, focuses on the legal and best interests needs of Hawaii’s children. The CLC works exclusively on cases that involve children, including custody, paternity, abuse, guardianship, adoption, or conservatorship. Our Menu of Services offers just a brief description of our services. For more information or a free consultation please call us at (808)528-5437 or email us at stacy@childlawhawaii.com. You can also download our brochure here: Children’s Law Center Brochure (right-click as).